without you !

well, its many people who is reading my blogg and dont understand anything of what i have been writing the last days.. so here is a short version. the thing is.. on friday we got a message.. my dad had a brain hemorrhage the night before and was sent straight to the hospital in Las Palmas, Gran Canaria. he was in coma.. its was the biggest bleeding the doctors there had ever seen on such a young man ever. the main artery to the brain had ruptured, so it was very very serious! the doctors asked us to prepare ourselves for the worst.

we had no other choice then order tickets to Gran Canaria the next day. my mom,  brother and me. but we were positiv and said this was going to be ok. we really thought this would go well, and that he would survive.

mom got a phone call. afterwards she came up and said that dad would never survive this. because it was so serious and nothing to do. i couldnt belive it. it just couldnt happen! why??  but he wasnt dead.. but his brain activity was so weakened and damaged, so if he survived, he would never become normal again! it was a shock to know.. i didnt know what to do. i just cried and cried! and so did my little brother too. he just walked around and cried, unable to sit down. both mom, brother and i were in shock. my dads brother fixed tickets for us and we and we went to Gran Canaria next morning with him and Alexander. dads girlfriends son.

when we arrived to the airport in Las Palmas, we took a taxi to the hospital where my dad was in an induced coma. finally we came to the hospital, everyone with big red eyes. but we were just a few minutes to late. dad was already dead. the brain activity was on 0 and then it was nothing more to do. it was terribly sad. it felt like someone ripped out my heart! but we got to see him laying there.. in the bed. they still kept him in coma for 1 reason. waiting for me and my brother to come. we had to make a decision. if my dad was going to be a donor or not. for me it was not a difficult decision. but my little brother thought it was just terrible to think that someone would cut my dad and make him "ugly". but after talking a long time in advance we had decided that daddy would have helped other people if he had had the chance. and its possible that he can help 7 other people to get a better life. thats something my dad would be so proud of. and its really really good to know!

it is what has been happening in recent days.  its really hard.. i could never have imagined that my dad would disappear so quickly and in this way! its not  to understand!and i dont think i understand it yet that he is gone and that he will never come back! its so unreal! so painful! its no words to explain.. it just really hurts.!

but we are so lucky to have eachother, my mom, my brother and me. i could never go through this without them! and to see how mnay people out the who cares is just so unbelievable! the good words you guys are sending and is there for us if there is something. its so good to know that you are there. it means so very much. you have no idea! it helps to support us in sorrow! and there are many out there who are in a bigt loss for my dad, i know! cus dad loved everyone. he spoke with everyone. he made no distinction between someone! he spoke as well with the king as with the man on the street who had nothing. there are not many people who were like my dad. now we must take good care of the good memories we have. and we cant think about the thing we didnt do, or never said. he lives in our hearts, in our mind, in our feelings and our memories.

rest in peace dear dad <3 i love you with all my heart !